My PHOBIC life...

I wish that I was a great orator, that I was naturally articulate. I wish that I could stand up in front of a group of people and deliver my thoughts without having every single word written out. I wish that I didn't stress about the upcoming speaking engagement every moment of every day; like a person waiting to step up in front of a firing squad. I wish I haven't had anxiety dreams every night for the last few days. (Last night I dreamed I lost all my teeth.) I wish I hadn't paid for that public speaking class at BYU. Obviously it didn't pan out like I had hoped.

So, this Sunday I am speaking in my ward's (my congregation for those who don't know Mormon speak) sacrament meeting. I have twelve minutes to either embarrass myself or to show that I am a relatively intelligent person who can put two thoughts together. I have spoken before. Usually I get asked to speak every two years depending on the size of the ward I am in and how often we have moved. It is difficult every single time and does not get easier for me. I get super stressed out. Usually the day before I have some sort of mental break down. (Tears are usually involved.) I have already started preparing James for the inevitable scene: me pouring over manuals / scriptures / talks from general authorities, trying to find that one perfect quote, that one perfect point.

It is not that I am afraid of getting up and speaking. The actual delivery part I have no problem with. It is the content that I stress over. Since I am relatively young and have had a relatively easy life, I don't have many personal experiences to draw upon. So, I rely heavily on the experiences of others. So my conundrum is this...how do you come up with something novel and unique to share about a topic that everyone knows about and knows what we need to do regarding it? Its hard. I scour ALL available sources...internet/friends/quote books/manuals, you name it. I over prepare; desperately trying to put things together. It is hard. I realize that as imperfect humans, we need constant reminders of even the most basic gospel concepts (prayer/faith/reading the scriptures/etc.), but to do that and say something that people will remember and respond too at the same time is the trick. I have prayed for help and inspiration, and feel that I have adequately prepared. So know as I write my talk today, my biggest prayer is not to have an anxiety attack and that more importantly some part of what I say will touch someone as truth.

James is relatively calm about his talk. He says that I always do a great job and that I really should be worried about his talk. (I do that too.)